I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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