my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
