if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Randomize
