We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
