When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
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