mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
