I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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