Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize