I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
she peed on how many people?
My vagina just recognized that song.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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