I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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