I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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