my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
