maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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