and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize