i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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