ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
