whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
