You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
