I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
sex in a hospital.. check
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
