Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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