The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
someone owes me an orgasm
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
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