When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
