sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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