You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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