I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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