I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
