he puts the penis in happiness.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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