Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
