The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
