We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
