dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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