On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
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