I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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