Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
