Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
