There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
