and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
