I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
