in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
