seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
