it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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