My friends, they love my intelligence
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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