My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
