Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
