It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
