she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
