If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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