Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
