I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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