There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
