She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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