if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
