on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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