she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
