Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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