i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
